Day 10

Being patient sometimes seems like a great feat!

Waiting until my body is healed seemed impossible today! It got up to 21 degrees Celsius and would have been a perfect day for a run or bike! Instead I stuck to lots of walks with the dog and tons of flights of stairs, up and down, to get my heart rate up.

Then all I wanted was ice cream!

I also learned a valuable lesson about myself today.

I don’t say what I mean.

I skirt around things, dance around them, joke about them, without coming  right out and saying them, especially if they’re particularly hard like an apology. I think I’ve always used this coping mechanism. I don’t think I’ve ever been good about saying what I mean in certain circumstances.

Sure, I can make a political point in a discussion, debate till the cows come home, but it’s when emotions get involved, that’s when I really do the dancing.

And it stems from fear. Fear of being vulnerable. At least it does for me.

I do all manner of tricks, smoke and mirrors, and particularly, jokes, sarcasm and wit to protect myself from appearing vulnerable.

I’m sure I’m not the only person that does it. But it’s very hard to come clean and admit. And to see it in yourself.

But it became obvious to me today. Almost like a fog lifting.

It’s a big admission for someone who claimed to “communicate” for a living at one time!

But now that I’ve recognized it, there’s now an opportunity to address it, hopefully with courage to overcome the fear of being vulnerable. For saying what I truly mean.

Big day for patience and meaning.

So maybe in being patient, in being still, in simply “being”, that’s when you do the most self-examination, come to the best conclusions.

When you’re just “being”.

I think I’m on to something!

This song came to mind sitting out on my front stoop with the dog in my lap, watching the folks stroll by in Wortley Village today, thinking about what I’m learning…