Day 99

I feel overwhelmed with emotions as I enter into the final day! But one thing’s for sure, I am starting a brand new chapter in my life! It’s scary but I feel incredibly free to take a leap of faith!

As you may have guessed, the business of figuring myself out took precedence over training for a triathlon! However, I’ve learned so much about myself and I don’t think I’ve felt more confident in being and accepting who I am in my entire life!

I guess I came to the realization that maybe I’m not cut out for a regular Mon-Fri job, maybe not even a regular anything! I have never explored my creative side and I think it’s turning out to be my BEST side!

I have all the supplies to start painting except an easel! That’ll come! There is a hair salon that I walk by everyday on my daily jaunt with my pooch! A captivating painting was hanging there. Then one day, it disappeared, apparently it sold! The space on the wall is still empty and I am hoping I can create something that will hang there soon!

I’ve started writing my book! I just woke up one morning and instinctively knew the right words to put together and visualized the scene in my mind. At first, began with using characters in a non-fiction style but I think I’m going to go for the gusto and do non-fiction. Why not?

I’m purchasing my Passion Parties kit and I’ll be doing parties ASAP! Can’t wait to get money rolling in again, I think I will really like it!

I’ve been helping a new real estate agent friend and he and his girlfriend have been sweet enough to do some absolutely wonderful things for me! The good karma is certainly making itself around and I feel like the luckiest and happiest woman in the world! There are truly many great people in this world!

My EI runs out at the end of August but I’m not worried, I know everything will come together and bills will get paid!

My dalliance with the younger man turned out to such a complicated ordeal but again, so much I’ve learned about myself and how I am in any kind of relationship, even a casual one! I run at any sign of feelings that I can’t express. I’d rather end something than have to share how I really feel or I would rather pressure someone to make an instant decision about whether they want to be with me or not! Turning the mirror on myself has been therapeutic but hard to admit my foibles. But it has to happen in order for me to be ready and open to live in the moment, in any kind of relationship really, not just a romantic one! My lesson is to just breathe. Take in the joy in every moment instead of leaping ahead. Stop for a moment, look around and see how much fun you’re having! Instead of trying to plan ahead.

I think that’s my lesson for everything in my life!

Live in the moment! Take it all in! Live in the intoxification of joy! Leave worry behind! It’s utterly unnecessary!

I’m likely not the only one, but I’m pretty sure I have been, and will be the rest of the summer, keeping the LCBO in business just with the purchase of wine for wine spritzers alone! But it’s been fun! I’ve been having the best time! And it won’t end, I refuse to wait for the other shoe to drop! I don’t even want it in my psyche!

And so I go to the 25th reunion tomorrow, with two of my good friends, one of which I see at girls’ night once a week! I am truly blessed with the people who have come, gone and remained in my life!

It brings tears to my eyes how much absolute wonder and joy I’ve experienced over this time!

And it’s just the beginning!


Day 85

SO much has happened!

The last time I wrote, I came to the realization, and subsequently the release, of years of pent-up hurt and emotion. My last post told of my sobbing for quite some time as the emotions were released. As the feelings came out, I started to visualize painting in brushstrokes! I’ve never picked up a brush, as my father was an award-winning artist, his father accomplished too, and I have a cousin who has also made a living selling his paintings. Both of my younger brothers had the gift to a degree as well. I never thought the odds were too good I inherited any of that. But I’m now going to give it a try! My dad recently picked up his brush again after leaving his gift dormant for 40 years! When I called him on Father’s Day to tell him I was going to give it a go, he was over the moon! Dad quit at 23 when my grandfather became so jealous of his success, he refused to speak to his son for a year!

And I’ve always liked writing, since I was a kid! I still have my sixth grade composition book! I’ve always talked about writing that book but was never really clear on the subject matter or where to start… until the week following the release of those emotions! It comes to me in my sleep, usually just before waking up. Words alway did. In school, I would leave writing a speech until the night before, knowing when I woke up, it would just come to me and it always did. I participated in several speech competitions in my separate school years.

So I woke up one morning knowing exactly how to start and as I began to type, the characters names came to me right away… I’m OFF!

As for steady income, you’re gonna laugh! No, really.

Before my marriage two years ago, my bridesmen held me a bachelorette party. It was hosted by a Passion Party consultant. Passion Parties are basically parties selling adult sexual aids, very tame, and classy. Everyone enjoyed themselves immensely at my party, and I am so open and full of humour, I think I will do fantastic at it. I can make my own hours and the money is very good. It’ll be like performing again, only this time, for people who are at some stage of being open-minded about sex. Maybe I can make them feel more comfortable discussing it. I’m very excited to get started! And pretty jazzed I don’t have to have a 9-5 job!

As for my younger “friend” I’d been shagging, I began to feel for him. The sex was utterly amazing, the best I think I’ve ever had, and it made me feel like I could be myself. I knew I had to end it because hearing him discuss being out hitting on other women with his friend, trying to pick them up, made me jealous, and witnessing him showering his female friend with attention and affection made me cringe. It made me feel cheap and unappreciated. I wanted to be the one showered with attention and affection!  That’s not conducive with a purely physical relationship. I knew I had to end it because if I fell for him, I know I would end up unhappy. I felt his drinking would soon annoy me. It became clear to me it was an issue. That doesn’t work for me and he would have become someone I could “change”. That’s not my job nor “project” anymore. It was a huge hurdle for me because I truly care for him deeply. I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit, I have never sat calmly, face to face with someone, and told them exactly how I felt, why, and why things weren’t working for me. I have been a coward or I yelled. I failed to go into great detail about the drinking situation with him but I did say that it runs in my family and I don’t want it to kill anyone else I care for. He suddenly opened up about his ex girlfriend and how he felt about the way it ended, how crushed he was. I told him of my situation, how it left me devastated. We talked about alot of things. Eventually he ended up leaving with his friend to go to a pub. I told him I was glad we talked and that I liked that he could be himself. I celebrate that I made a healthy choice for me, at the right time.  It’s about time I made more decisions like that!

Ah jealousy! Sometimes it makes you feel alive and at least you feel SOMETHING!

Day 74

The liberation of me…

That’s the title that sprung to my head, thinking about what I could write a book about. I have felt repressed about a lot of things. Not that it didn’t serve me well at the time, but it is now holding me back.

I have never made myself a priority in a relationship, nor even in my own life for that matter. It’s a hard thing to admit, almost embarrassing, but admit it I do.

I am caring, compassionate and extremely empathetic, to a fault. I can physically feel others’ pain. It’s a gift and a curse until you figure out how to manage it.

My job is to take care of myself. Loving myself and checking in with myself is my responsibility. It’s often thrown around but the fog lifted and I finally believe… if you don’t have love for yourself, take care of your own needs, what can you possibly have for someone else, even children?

I came to a startling revelation, after sleeping with a younger man, the one in my previous post. He held me so tightly and fell asleep. It was like a death grip to try to slip out of (he was snoring so loudly I couldn’t sleep!) As I looked at him sleeping, I could FEEL his brokenness, I could almost hear his soul crying out in misery and tears well up in my eyes as I write this. That’s why I instinctively knew he was bad for me, I had that feeling from the start.

I have taken on “projects” in the past. I don’t want to objectify them and make them sound like they were emotionless nor had no outstanding qualities, but because I feel so deeply, to the core of who they are, I can almost see inside their soul. It sounds pretty “holy roller” but it is something I have always known and don’t know how to shut it off. It’s an important part of who I am.

I call them “projects” because I make it my life’s work to make them feel better about themselves. Obviously this takes the attention away from the real work: ME. Sadly, I’ve been acutely aware of the neuroses but felt utterly powerless over it, until now.

After my session with Michael, I have been flooded with all sorts of emotions. Spontaneous tears, anger, anxiousness and fear. I’ve had conversations with friends about how the relationship with this younger man should be viewed by me, felt by me. A lot of them have mentioned the words: control, YOUR needs, separation, satisfaction, confidence and perspective. But it wasn’t until breakfast with my best friend this morning that the lightbulb went off about one of the purposes of the situation.

I began to really FEEL for this man, in a way that would take away from myself. I could feel him starting to be my next “project”. I truly empathize with him, care about him, in a way that I know does not bode well for a simply “physical relationship”. But it also dawned on me that the time I spent between our visits, was empty space, nothing filled it, I had no purpose, at least not in my own mind. While I did visualize the life I want to lead, and feel the voice of the clown dogging me, trying to figure out how to push it away, my time was otherwise wasted, trying to steer the relationship to my liking.  That was the eureka moment. I wasn’t participating in my own life! And I viewed it as “wasted” time because I feel I want to enjoy and savour every moment of the time I have! I want to fill the space with joyous moments, as much as I can create and saturate!

I just called my best friend in full on sobbing tears. He is as sensitive to others as I am. I asked him how he separates himself from the overwhelming urge to “help” others. He asked me, wouldn’t you rather feel something for people and situations rather than feel nothing at all? After speaking to him for a bit, I realized I DO keep some people at arm’s length because I know I would be overtaken by their emotions, their pain. I can sense that some people will be a complete drain on my energy so don’t engage. My friend said for some reason, this man has a purpose in my life or I wouldn’t have let him into my space. He’s right.

I’ve heard it said that some people you enter into relationships with are there as a mirror to yourself, held up for you to see the work you need to do on yourself.

Am I as broken and filled with pain as my “friend”? Can others sense my intense longing for acceptance? Can others tell I am masking that pain with other things, like HUMOUR?! Could the intense sadness be MINE?! The feelings I’ve never let come up nor out?

I sobbed for half an hour straight after asking myself those questions. Then called my friend again to tell him. What I had been pushing down, was FEELING my own emotional agony.

Isn’t it ironic in the first few sentences of this very post, I used the word “repressed”.

More self-reflection and the “work” continues…

I’m still thinking about Sinead O’Connor today. I feel she is someone who expresses her deep pain in her music. This song haunts me and I remember it being popular in a time of scattered confusion and anxiousness in my life. It’s also very powerful.

Day 70

Another important breakthrough!

Creepy huh? That’s Pennywise, the terrifying clown character from Stephen King’s book, It! He was played by Tim Curry in the TV miniseries!

Let me point out that I do NOT have a fear of clowns! In fact, I once worked in a balloon shop where I delivered balloons in a clown car in full clown costume and makeup!

This image came to me during a powerful session with life coach Michael Duhaney. You can find out more about what he can do for you here!

Previously, Michael had me imagine having tea with my future self. What did I look like? Where did I live? What did I notice? It was groundbreaking for me!

Yesterday we addressed my saboteur, or what most of us call, that little voice in your head. That broken record that makes you hesitate trying something new, or berates you for one thing or another.

Michael had me feel what that voice might represent, how did I feel about it? I was surprised at how much anger I had towards it. It had held me back for so long, kept me from feeling truly successful at so many things in my life. He had me imagine what it might look like. Immediately I thought of a pirouette clown, then Pennywise lept into my mind! Michael then had me physically move away from my chair, leaving Pennywise in it. I wanted to punch it in the face and I told Michael so. He said maybe I could throw a pie in its face or something so I physically pretended to throw three pies as hard as I could, into Pennywise’s face! It felt incredible!

We finally then took the chair representing the clown and moved it outside the room and shut the door. At first I danced around in glee! I was free! I could just be myself! Michael asked me what it felt like to be without that “little voice”. It felt liberating! But surprisingly, I felt scared. I don’t know how to live without that voice, it has always been with me since I was a child! What do I do now? What do I fill my thoughts with?

Michael always tells me what a great sense of humour I have and he did it again yesterday. It was like a light switch went on when he asked if I sometimes use humour to mask when I feel unworthy or just uncomfortable. I said that had always been a dance I do with myself. MUST I be funny? Will people still like me if I’m not?

Pennywise is a clown. He represents my need to use humour AND the self-deprecation that comes along with that.

It was profound. And I’m the one that chose the clown, it was the first thing that popped into my head!

Now we’re getting somewhere! My homework is to practise being aware when Pennywise is “driving the bus” as Michael says, or when I am driving it myself!

I couldn’t thank him enough!

I’ve also felt conflicted, and I think I’ve written about it before, about being a “good girl” vs being the “bad girl”.

I’m single. There are men I am attracted to physically. Lots. One in particular made me squirm. He’s younger and totally bad for me but the physical attraction is mutual and steamy! Many of my friends told me to just do it, sleep with him, get it over with, enjoy it while it lasts and be done with it.

I find that hard to do, but I did it anyway. I shagged him. And I loved it and didn’t regret a second of it. And I will do it again with him if the opportunity arises. It was liberating and validating. My body confidence increased immediately. I’m not perfect but I’m aging decently. This wasn’t someone I didn’t know nor ever had a conversation with. This had been a long-standing attraction, at least for me. And I don’t care if it becomes a relationship, it’s fun, for now. I have always been worried in the past about what people would think of a girl that could do that. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to constantly think about the future, I want to live for today!

And Pennywise be damned!

It feels like a Friday to me, I guess because I’m not working!

I love Sinead O’Connor, have since high school, and I’m Irish (and Scottish). This song is actually about the prejudice the English showed the Irish of the Republic (North) and those in the South for that matter! I think it’s beautiful!

Day 64

Something happened that changed my life…

No, I didn’t have a religious experience, an exorcism, nor did I find some new fad diet. I made a choice.

My mom came to visit me, I always get stressed when that happens because we have had a strained relationship most of my adult life. I had already warned her, I was having a party at my place, it was planned before her trip, it might get noisy, but that can’t be helped, everyone is supposed to have a good time. She understood but I wasn’t convinced.

Girls’ night fell when my mom was here. We all congregated, chatted, and my mom began to get on my nerves. I made some sort of comment like “That’s enough, Mom!”. Outside, my friends were frank with me, like truly good friends are. They said they thought I was overreacting. I said I thought my mom had always been jealous of me and tries to belittle me in front of company. They said, that may be true but she was not doing it that night.

After my pals left, I tried to talk to Mom and she got upset. I stopped off with the dog, in the rain. My attempts at trying to sort it out had failed once again. I went to bed but barely slept.

The next morning I made a choice. I did not want whatever time my mom and I have left to be wasted in this way. I got up, went into her room, crawled into bed with her and told her just that. I wanted to have a relationship with her and I didn’t want to spend one more day fighting.

Then something magical happened. We both talked openly about how we felt. We recalled good times as a family that we had and some very hurtful experiences for both of us. I simply needed my mom to listen and at least admit to being present for some of the pain I suffered as a result of some of her bad choices. I told her by ignoring them and refusing to talk about them, I was emotionally stuck at the age they happened. I simply needed her to validate what happened. Otherwise, it wasn’t real, my feelings weren’t real. She understood.

The remainder of her trip was fantastic! I thanked my friends for being so honest with me! They said they noticed at the party right away the change in our relationship.

My best friend leaned over and said to me, “You know, it was never your mom, it was always you,” meaning my mom rarely did anything wrong, I simply had so much resentment built up, every little thing she did irritated me.

I’m now free of that!

After she left, I missed her. We have much more visiting to do!

And I came to the realization that I will do a triathlon. I’m not sure when, but I will do it when I feel ready.

I am now feeling more confident about myself, have been applying for jobs like crazy and truly visualizing the life I want to have again!

The rest will fall into place.

I ran more this week than I have in months! It felt good!

I got my car back, that was a relief! And now I’m planning some camping adventures with my showdog!

Summer is upon us and I feel very lucky to have had these experiences being off work! I am very excited about the reunion which is only a month away!

I really do have the best people around me!

I feel truly blessed! 🙂

I used to blast this in my little car with the windows rolled down, driving to a friend’s cottage!

Day 54

Over halfway and still spinning! Oh and the rapture? Yep, still here!

I fear I’m not making much headway in beating old patterns! It seems to be cyclical! This week, I resolve to keep track of my feelings each day to figure out why I keep repeating the same old story!

I now have to aim for an event in July. There is no way I’m confident with my swimming enough to tackle a mini-tri. But I again have been getting in my own way! I can’t seem to find a balance between fun and discipline. I want to enjoy my life, each day like it was my last, but sometimes doing that cuts into training time, well, more often than not. And on a long weekend, I had a TON of fun. My waistline and my lack of training however left me feeling guilty for enjoying it!

I am also back on heart medication again! Even though my blood pressure was borderline at his office, he still put my back on new meds and I found that incredibly defeating. I’m not sure why, but I felt I had failed to properly take care of myself.

My brother and his wife had another baby! I’m an aunt for the third time now! He is the only one of us that has kids. I do have a sense of regret that I’ve never given birth, never had the experience of watching a little mind grow, but I also never wanted to consciously do it alone. I have always felt I wanted to give a child two parents out of the gate, anything else would be selfish on my part. That’s not to say I judge ANYONE for getting artificially inseminated nor do I shun single moms, my mom was one when my dad and she split. It’s just how I have felt about it in my own case and maybe I thought subconsciously I had to sort out my own stuff before I messed up a kid too!

I also met someone who is so wrong for me yet I am drawn to him. I have so much to offer, I’m not sure why I don’t see that on a daily basis. That has dogged me for a long time but I’m aware of it and trying to change my mind.

I have had a few colleagues ask me to do work for them last week and that is encouraging, and hopefully eventually bring some money in! Writing a book has been on my mind a lot too.

Sometimes I feel like I literally have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Appropriate maybe since the rapture was supposed to happen on the long weekend! Part of me wants to be the innocent, virtuous schoolgirl my Catholic upbringing told me I was supposed to be, and on the other hand, I want to do immoral things like party like a rock star, whoop it up, drink and smoke, and with that comes the urge to be promiscuous! Shag whomever I want without consequence! But I can’t! My conscience always gets in the way! And frankly, we live in a society that still frowns upon women having sexual freedom. Sex in the City was so popular because women want to live that way, but typically don’t have the guts to face the wrath of others, the scrutiny, the castigation. And let’s face it, not many “sexual arrangements”, “friends with benefits”, or even “one night stands” ever work out. One person always ends up not being ready to end it at the same time as the person that does. I think it’s a recipe for disaster. Just me. Sexual freedom within a relationship seems to be more socially acceptable and for me, easier on the psyche!

I don’t want to make poor choices anymore. Not when it comes to physical activities, like running and biking. Not when it comes to food, moderation is something I have never learned. Nor do I want to make poor choices about the people I spend time with, friends or more than friends. It is always a choice and I want to make better ones.

Only I can make them though and only I can change my mind!

I don’t want to live with regret. Time is ticking and it feels like it’s a race I am barely keeping ahead of! We only get once around and I have so much more to do!

Thinking about Ms. Lauper this morning. I saw her open for Cher here in London and she is phenomenal in concert!

Day 46

I WILL learn to swim front crawl, face in that water, effortlessly, it just takes practise!

I remember as a chubby kid, despising the days we had to do the dreaded Canada Fitness Tests, in which you received a bronze, silver, gold or award of excellence patch for your jacket depending on how well you did at various fitness tests/tasks. Everyone had to participate and since you pretty much had to have an appendage hanging off in my family to miss school, I HATED those days!


My mom sat down with me everyday after school, holding my legs, until I could do a set amount of sit-ups. Then I would hit the schoolyard (conveniently across the street from our house) to practise running. Then flexed arm hang (which was the hardest in my books) Mom told me that if I practised enough, I would get better.

She was right. I eventually got a silver patch.

Swimming is going to have to be the same thing.

I got so frustrated today! After an awesome spin class, I decided to put into practise what Jill had taught me and hit the pool. It didn’t take long before I started to feel panicked! Frick! Why couldn’t I get out of my head?! I was determined however and did about 200m, not all face-in-water front crawl and not non-stop, but I did it. Jill is right. Until I can do it without thinking, I won’t be able to master it.

So it needs practise. Repetition. Over and over the same thing, back and forth in the pool. Only then, can I get faster.

But I will.

And I WILL conquer it. I have to because I WANT to.

I watched Oprah interview James Frey again, five years after she lambasted the author for embellishing his “memoir”. I think she was unfair in her crucifixion of him. I think she reacted because she felt she had been embarrassed, especially after supporting him on Larry King Live, then doing an about-face when she, herself, was crucified in the media for not taking the guy to task.

It was an interesting interview today. I knew Oprah wanted to apologize. She didn’t today but I suspect before the 2nd part is finished, she will. She should.

I was thinking, and have been saying it a lot lately, that all of the crazy adventures I’ve had that keep popping into my head as of late, would make an entertaining book! I guess everyone likely thinks that who’d ever considered being a writer.

It’s been on my mind. And watching James Frey today fuelled the fire to keep thinking about it.

But let’s get through these 100 days first! Not even halfway, but learning a multitude!

Was thinking about this song today…