Day 85

SO much has happened!

The last time I wrote, I came to the realization, and subsequently the release, of years of pent-up hurt and emotion. My last post told of my sobbing for quite some time as the emotions were released. As the feelings came out, I started to visualize painting in brushstrokes! I’ve never picked up a brush, as my father was an award-winning artist, his father accomplished too, and I have a cousin who has also made a living selling his paintings. Both of my younger brothers had the gift to a degree as well. I never thought the odds were too good I inherited any of that. But I’m now going to give it a try! My dad recently picked up his brush again after leaving his gift dormant for 40 years! When I called him on Father’s Day to tell him I was going to give it a go, he was over the moon! Dad quit at 23 when my grandfather became so jealous of his success, he refused to speak to his son for a year!

And I’ve always liked writing, since I was a kid! I still have my sixth grade composition book! I’ve always talked about writing that book but was never really clear on the subject matter or where to start… until the week following the release of those emotions! It comes to me in my sleep, usually just before waking up. Words alway did. In school, I would leave writing a speech until the night before, knowing when I woke up, it would just come to me and it always did. I participated in several speech competitions in my separate school years.

So I woke up one morning knowing exactly how to start and as I began to type, the characters names came to me right away… I’m OFF!

As for steady income, you’re gonna laugh! No, really.

Before my marriage two years ago, my bridesmen held me a bachelorette party. It was hosted by a Passion Party consultant. Passion Parties are basically parties selling adult sexual aids, very tame, and classy. Everyone enjoyed themselves immensely at my party, and I am so open and full of humour, I think I will do fantastic at it. I can make my own hours and the money is very good. It’ll be like performing again, only this time, for people who are at some stage of being open-minded about sex. Maybe I can make them feel more comfortable discussing it. I’m very excited to get started! And pretty jazzed I don’t have to have a 9-5 job!

As for my younger “friend” I’d been shagging, I began to feel for him. The sex was utterly amazing, the best I think I’ve ever had, and it made me feel like I could be myself. I knew I had to end it because hearing him discuss being out hitting on other women with his friend, trying to pick them up, made me jealous, and witnessing him showering his female friend with attention and affection made me cringe. It made me feel cheap and unappreciated. I wanted to be the one showered with attention and affection!  That’s not conducive with a purely physical relationship. I knew I had to end it because if I fell for him, I know I would end up unhappy. I felt his drinking would soon annoy me. It became clear to me it was an issue. That doesn’t work for me and he would have become someone I could “change”. That’s not my job nor “project” anymore. It was a huge hurdle for me because I truly care for him deeply. I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit, I have never sat calmly, face to face with someone, and told them exactly how I felt, why, and why things weren’t working for me. I have been a coward or I yelled. I failed to go into great detail about the drinking situation with him but I did say that it runs in my family and I don’t want it to kill anyone else I care for. He suddenly opened up about his ex girlfriend and how he felt about the way it ended, how crushed he was. I told him of my situation, how it left me devastated. We talked about alot of things. Eventually he ended up leaving with his friend to go to a pub. I told him I was glad we talked and that I liked that he could be himself. I celebrate that I made a healthy choice for me, at the right time.  It’s about time I made more decisions like that!

Ah jealousy! Sometimes it makes you feel alive and at least you feel SOMETHING!


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