Day 70


Another important breakthrough!

Creepy huh? That’s Pennywise, the terrifying clown character from Stephen King’s book, It! He was played by Tim Curry in the TV miniseries!

Let me point out that I do NOT have a fear of clowns! In fact, I once worked in a balloon shop where I delivered balloons in a clown car in full clown costume and makeup!

This image came to me during a powerful session with life coach Michael Duhaney. You can find out more about what he can do for you here!

Previously, Michael had me imagine having tea with my future self. What did I look like? Where did I live? What did I notice? It was groundbreaking for me!

Yesterday we addressed my saboteur, or what most of us call, that little voice in your head. That broken record that makes you hesitate trying something new, or berates you for one thing or another.

Michael had me feel what that voice might represent, how did I feel about it? I was surprised at how much anger I had towards it. It had held me back for so long, kept me from feeling truly successful at so many things in my life. He had me imagine what it might look like. Immediately I thought of a pirouette clown, then Pennywise lept into my mind! Michael then had me physically move away from my chair, leaving Pennywise in it. I wanted to punch it in the face and I told Michael so. He said maybe I could throw a pie in its face or something so I physically pretended to throw three pies as hard as I could, into Pennywise’s face! It felt incredible!

We finally then took the chair representing the clown and moved it outside the room and shut the door. At first I danced around in glee! I was free! I could just be myself! Michael asked me what it felt like to be without that “little voice”. It felt liberating! But surprisingly, I felt scared. I don’t know how to live without that voice, it has always been with me since I was a child! What do I do now? What do I fill my thoughts with?

Michael always tells me what a great sense of humour I have and he did it again yesterday. It was like a light switch went on when he asked if I sometimes use humour to mask when I feel unworthy or just uncomfortable. I said that had always been a dance I do with myself. MUST I be funny? Will people still like me if I’m not?

Pennywise is a clown. He represents my need to use humour AND the self-deprecation that comes along with that.

It was profound. And I’m the one that chose the clown, it was the first thing that popped into my head!

Now we’re getting somewhere! My homework is to practise being aware when Pennywise is “driving the bus” as Michael says, or when I am driving it myself!

I couldn’t thank him enough!

I’ve also felt conflicted, and I think I’ve written about it before, about being a “good girl” vs being the “bad girl”.

I’m single. There are men I am attracted to physically. Lots. One in particular made me squirm. He’s younger and totally bad for me but the physical attraction is mutual and steamy! Many of my friends told me to just do it, sleep with him, get it over with, enjoy it while it lasts and be done with it.

I find that hard to do, but I did it anyway. I shagged him. And I loved it and didn’t regret a second of it. And I will do it again with him if the opportunity arises. It was liberating and validating. My body confidence increased immediately. I’m not perfect but I’m aging decently. This wasn’t someone I didn’t know nor ever had a conversation with. This had been a long-standing attraction, at least for me. And I don’t care if it becomes a relationship, it’s fun, for now. I have always been worried in the past about what people would think of a girl that could do that. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to constantly think about the future, I want to live for today!

And Pennywise be damned!

It feels like a Friday to me, I guess because I’m not working!

I love Sinead O’Connor, have since high school, and I’m Irish (and Scottish). This song is actually about the prejudice the English showed the Irish of the Republic (North) and those in the South for that matter! I think it’s beautiful!

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