Day 64

Something happened that changed my life…

No, I didn’t have a religious experience, an exorcism, nor did I find some new fad diet. I made a choice.

My mom came to visit me, I always get stressed when that happens because we have had a strained relationship most of my adult life. I had already warned her, I was having a party at my place, it was planned before her trip, it might get noisy, but that can’t be helped, everyone is supposed to have a good time. She understood but I wasn’t convinced.

Girls’ night fell when my mom was here. We all congregated, chatted, and my mom began to get on my nerves. I made some sort of comment like “That’s enough, Mom!”. Outside, my friends were frank with me, like truly good friends are. They said they thought I was overreacting. I said I thought my mom had always been jealous of me and tries to belittle me in front of company. They said, that may be true but she was not doing it that night.

After my pals left, I tried to talk to Mom and she got upset. I stopped off with the dog, in the rain. My attempts at trying to sort it out had failed once again. I went to bed but barely slept.

The next morning I made a choice. I did not want whatever time my mom and I have left to be wasted in this way. I got up, went into her room, crawled into bed with her and told her just that. I wanted to have a relationship with her and I didn’t want to spend one more day fighting.

Then something magical happened. We both talked openly about how we felt. We recalled good times as a family that we had and some very hurtful experiences for both of us. I simply needed my mom to listen and at least admit to being present for some of the pain I suffered as a result of some of her bad choices. I told her by ignoring them and refusing to talk about them, I was emotionally stuck at the age they happened. I simply needed her to validate what happened. Otherwise, it wasn’t real, my feelings weren’t real. She understood.

The remainder of her trip was fantastic! I thanked my friends for being so honest with me! They said they noticed at the party right away the change in our relationship.

My best friend leaned over and said to me, “You know, it was never your mom, it was always you,” meaning my mom rarely did anything wrong, I simply had so much resentment built up, every little thing she did irritated me.

I’m now free of that!

After she left, I missed her. We have much more visiting to do!

And I came to the realization that I will do a triathlon. I’m not sure when, but I will do it when I feel ready.

I am now feeling more confident about myself, have been applying for jobs like crazy and truly visualizing the life I want to have again!

The rest will fall into place.

I ran more this week than I have in months! It felt good!

I got my car back, that was a relief! And now I’m planning some camping adventures with my showdog!

Summer is upon us and I feel very lucky to have had these experiences being off work! I am very excited about the reunion which is only a month away!

I really do have the best people around me!

I feel truly blessed! 🙂

I used to blast this in my little car with the windows rolled down, driving to a friend’s cottage!


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