Day 54


Over halfway and still spinning! Oh and the rapture? Yep, still here!

I fear I’m not making much headway in beating old patterns! It seems to be cyclical! This week, I resolve to keep track of my feelings each day to figure out why I keep repeating the same old story!

I now have to aim for an event in July. There is no way I’m confident with my swimming enough to tackle a mini-tri. But I again have been getting in my own way! I can’t seem to find a balance between fun and discipline. I want to enjoy my life, each day like it was my last, but sometimes doing that cuts into training time, well, more often than not. And on a long weekend, I had a TON of fun. My waistline and my lack of training however left me feeling guilty for enjoying it!

I am also back on heart medication again! Even though my blood pressure was borderline at his office, he still put my back on new meds and I found that incredibly defeating. I’m not sure why, but I felt I had failed to properly take care of myself.

My brother and his wife had another baby! I’m an aunt for the third time now! He is the only one of us that has kids. I do have a sense of regret that I’ve never given birth, never had the experience of watching a little mind grow, but I also never wanted to consciously do it alone. I have always felt I wanted to give a child two parents out of the gate, anything else would be selfish on my part. That’s not to say I judge ANYONE for getting artificially inseminated nor do I shun single moms, my mom was one when my dad and she split. It’s just how I have felt about it in my own case and maybe I thought subconsciously I had to sort out my own stuff before I messed up a kid too!

I also met someone who is so wrong for me yet I am drawn to him. I have so much to offer, I’m not sure why I don’t see that on a daily basis. That has dogged me for a long time but I’m aware of it and trying to change my mind.

I have had a few colleagues ask me to do work for them last week and that is encouraging, and hopefully eventually bring some money in! Writing a book has been on my mind a lot too.

Sometimes I feel like I literally have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Appropriate maybe since the rapture was supposed to happen on the long weekend! Part of me wants to be the innocent, virtuous schoolgirl my Catholic upbringing told me I was supposed to be, and on the other hand, I want to do immoral things like party like a rock star, whoop it up, drink and smoke, and with that comes the urge to be promiscuous! Shag whomever I want without consequence! But I can’t! My conscience always gets in the way! And frankly, we live in a society that still frowns upon women having sexual freedom. Sex in the City was so popular because women want to live that way, but typically don’t have the guts to face the wrath of others, the scrutiny, the castigation. And let’s face it, not many “sexual arrangements”, “friends with benefits”, or even “one night stands” ever work out. One person always ends up not being ready to end it at the same time as the person that does. I think it’s a recipe for disaster. Just me. Sexual freedom within a relationship seems to be more socially acceptable and for me, easier on the psyche!

I don’t want to make poor choices anymore. Not when it comes to physical activities, like running and biking. Not when it comes to food, moderation is something I have never learned. Nor do I want to make poor choices about the people I spend time with, friends or more than friends. It is always a choice and I want to make better ones.

Only I can make them though and only I can change my mind!

I don’t want to live with regret. Time is ticking and it feels like it’s a race I am barely keeping ahead of! We only get once around and I have so much more to do!

Thinking about Ms. Lauper this morning. I saw her open for Cher here in London and she is phenomenal in concert!

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