Day 42


WILL RUN FOR WINE! You know why?

Yep. If someone even RESEMBLING George is waiting at the end of the run, I’m IN! Well, and let’s face it, after a few glasses of wine, doesn’t ANY guy with salt and pepper coiffed “do” start to seem oh-so-charming anyway?

I digress.

The thought of being about to drink some wine with my gal pals tonight without guilt, has me primed for a run, and likely some time in the pool today!

I had a swim lesson yesterday and realized I have a fear of drowning. I guess I always knew but tried to push it out of my mind and forget about it, I could get over it. I’ve realized I tend to do that. Instead of facing things, I put them on the back burner and figure they’ll sort themselves out. But they keep coming back until I just face it and move on!

I had a panic attack in my apartment pool several years ago and nearly drowned, and I had a similar experience as a kid. I was always a good swimmer, never afraid, took swim lessons, always at the public Lion’s Pool in the summer but those couple of experiences stuck with me. However, I had to face the fear. 

The good news is, my swim stroke is awesome, according to my coach, it’s my breathing that needs work. That will only come with practise. Jill said that the key to swimming in competition is to be able to do it so well, you don’t panic, because it’s like second nature. It was good advice and when I calmed down enough to work on the breathing slowly, and not get so concerned about swimming quickly, I made progress. It’s really up to me now to conquer and overcome the fear and panic I may encounter.

Mind over matter it seems. Seems that way in a lot of things in life.

I biked to the pool for the swim lesson and we did an aqua-cardio-kickboxing class which, as you may guess, seemed kind of effortless in the water but because of the resistance, I felt it today! Plus, Lisa once again kicked my ass with a training session on Tuesday, so my hamstrings were that of a not-so-finely-tuned Stradivarius!

Back to mind over matter, I had a session with life coach Michael Duhaney this week! We did a powerful visualization exercise in which I imagined sitting down to tea with my future self, twenty years from now. It was amazing to see how great looking I imagined myself, happy and content. He asked me to ask “future self” my nagging questions. First was “who does your hair?” and then, “does sex get even better?” I knew my future self would still have a sense of humour!

I imagined “future self” telling me not to worry, to “let go”, that trying to control my future was pointless and only getting in my own way! Happiness, contentment, all the things I envisioned for myself would come, if I could only quiet myself and “be”.

And something else came to me after I thought about it a bit. Long after the session and probably into today. And after I watched Oprah’s fascinating interview with the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.

I have been angry at people for foolish reasons that had nothing to do with them. Nothing at all. It all came from my fractured sense of self. My own lust for acceptance, and my perception that others didn’t accept me. And that anger was only bourne from that fear. Fear that I wasn’t accepted. And this phrase stuck out in my mind like a billboard.

ANGER IS FEAR PERSONIFIED.

So simple but so meaningful. My anger at others has come straight from my own fear. And who creates that fear? Me. My dull, doubting, harassing, drone of an inner voice.

That voice doesn’t have to stop. But I can choose to stop listening to it. I choose to do that to the best of my ability NOW.

And so from a “funk” a few days ago, from the ashes, a phoenix of sorts.

I can fly. And if I happen to fly to Italy, into George Clooney’s arms, so be it! 🙂

Today I feel like something sexy!

JT! That’s the Justin that ain’t a Bieb!

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