Day 18


Breakthrough and break free!

Sometimes it takes reflecting with another person to get unstuck. Today I made a big realization!

I met with a friend I’ve known since we were both 19. We don’t talk all the time but we are still close and can talk openly with one another. Both of us have ex-spouses, she one and I, of course, two! We both know each other’s families as well and all the neuroses that often come with those relationships.

We were talking about why it is that we say things and treat our “partners” with so much less respect than our own friends? Why is it that we think it’s okay to speak to a lover, or yell and scream, confront, question them when we wouldn’t think of broaching such things with someone who is just a close pal? Why does the respect go out the window?

I was recounting a conversation I had with my last ex-husband. I found out he was clandestinely meeting with other women and lying to me about it. I had no idea if there was physical infidelity but the mental “cheating” was all I could bare! My first husband had a mental affair and ended up moving in with that woman the minute we split. I feared I had married the same person in a different costume. I lost it. I cried and yelled and dropped to my knees in utter pain. What had I done?

Then when he told me the marriage was over, he wanted out and did not want to discuss it further, I was angry. Again I yelled and screamed and felt exceptional pain. I remember saying to him, “You promised to love me forever, you said vows, but you LIED! You LIED to me!”

And as I was telling this to my friend, I started to cry, right there in the coffee shop, as I came to the realization that I felt exactly the same way about my dad!  I was a bit of a “daddy’s girl”, I looked just like my dad and my personality was similar, and I got his often fearless drive to pursue dreams. I adored him. When my parents split, my dad disappeared and floated in and out of our lives. It’s complicated, but I felt like he abandoned me. Like he didn’t love me the same way anymore.

Now, I have a distant relationship with my dad. We talk on the phone and he tells me he’s proud and that he loves me. But now as an adult, I don’t feel like I NEED to hear that anymore, I needed it as a kid, sad, confused and insecure as I was then.

But just as I was relaying that story about my ex to my friend, I realized I had been carrying around all that pain and resentment I felt as a kid, and I’d been living out the pain with the partners I chose, over and over again!

Now that I “get it” I’m not sure how to change it. But I DO know I’m on to something and that change can happen with that realization!

I can free myself from that pain I’ve carried around and tried so desperately to hide.

I am worthy of a mature, reciprocal love and relationship. My dad’s reaction was not my fault. I did nothing wrong. I’m fine just the way I am. I don’t need to convince ANYONE, least of all myself!

It was a powerful day and my friend was so comforting. She’s wonderful and I’m glad she was so understanding!

It’s hard to be honest and open about insecurities and doubts. But days like today make it easier!

Training-wise, I’m going to another weight-training class tonight! Then off to take Lola for a visit with more extended family, The Roneys!

Wednesday, if the snow melts, a bike ride with a man who is doing a try-a-tri also!

I am learning so much! It’s only been 18 days, imagine what I can learn in 100! 🙂

I love this Kelly Clarkson song and the video is so powerful! Also particularly meaningful today!

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